The League and Retards
by Aragami Hiroshima La Luminite
Summary: Even as a Champion of the Institute of War, you aren't bond to a suit and business persona. These are the tales of the League's Champions as they truly are in all their stupidity. God help us all. Accepting Champion requests (Including the chapter's genre) and Summoners of readers. PM for Summoner form.
1. Chapter 1: Thresh Prince of Theives

"What are you doing this for, Thresh?" The Purifier breath heavily. Lucian had been summoned an oddly large number of times today and was exhausted to point he could barely lift his weapons. That being said, when the Chain Warden jumped the male outside of the Summoning Chambers, he had no energy to fight. "Were you the one who set my matches up, just so you could kill me?"

The spectre chuckled as he turn his hollow eyed gaze to the chained Purifier in front of his feet. He had Lucian tied up and leaned against a bed in a dark bedroom. Thresh stroked his chin with a smug smirk plastered on his face. "Kill you?" He repeated. "Oh, no no, the League would find out far to soon."

"Then what is it?!" Lucian exclaimed, he leaned forward and glared at his enemy. "If not to kill me then-?!" Thresh made his way to the nightstand where Lucian's relic pistols lied. "Thresh, don't you dare..."

Thresh turned back to Lucian and raised a 'brow'. "Or want, Lucy? You're tied up and won't be getting out any time soon." He pick up one of the guns and examined it in his boney hand. Another smile formed on his lips as he spun the weapon around on his finger. "You have no idea how long it's been since I wanted to try these things."

"Thresh! I swear to whatever god there is that I will end you if you-" Thresh ignored Lucian rants as he picked the second gun and began to walk away. "Threeeesh!"

Thresh reached for the door and turned to Lucian one last time. "I stole your wife's soul, and now I stole your guns, bitch." The warden cackled as he walked out of the door and closed it shut.

XXXX

A knock came from his door. The summoner brought his bright red eyes up from his laptor and looked at his door. The knock came again and he sighed. "Give me a minute!" He called. The knocking ceased and he hopped up from bed.

He rushed over to his mirror and checked to see if anything was on his dark, yet oddly pale, skin. Seeing nothing wrong, he straighten his shoulder length bleached white hair and grabbed a pair of black dress pants from his dresser, not bothering to put on a shirt to hide the large stylized H tattoo on the right side of his chest.

The knocking started again and he turned to trek over to it. He put a large smile on his face, expecting one of the women he had a "conversation" with last night.

He opened the door with a chuckle. "Well good morning-" He saw Thresh standing in front of him and lost some of the smile on his face. "Thresh. I wasn't expecting to see you..."

"I can tell from the absence of a shirt, Hero." The Warden folded his arms with a smile of his own. "I heard you porked Morgona and Karma last night." Thresh snickered.

Hero tensed a bit and stared at the champion. "Who told you that...?"

"I said I heard. Which means I heard the screams and moans all the way in the Shadow Isles section." Thresh said with a louder chuckle, causing the summoner to facepalm. "Anyway, do you have any matches today?" The Warden finally asked the question on his mind.

Hero held his chin with 'Hmm' and stared up to the ceiling as he thought of his day. "Yes, I do." He nodded. "11: 45. I'm to be the team's ADC summoner, though me and Warwick had planned to junglers today."

"Great!" Thresh put his hands on the black male's shoulders. "I'll be the ADC."

Hero furrowed his chalk white brows. "Excuse me...?"

"I said, I'll be the Attack Damage Carry."

"Thresh, we still haven't practice using you as a marksmen." The white haired male shook his head. "And this is a promotion match for Calvin. I can't-"

The skecter shushed him and pressed a finger against the summoner's lip. "I got it covered." Thresh reached behind him and pulled out one of Lucian's pistols.

Hero eyed the gun before looking back at Thresh. "Where did you get Lucian's gun from?" He immediately asked.

"Guns." Thresh corrected as he brought the second gun to Hero's face.

"Okay," He started. "where did you get Lucian's guns from?" Hero corrected his question.

The Chain Warden rubbed the guns together and smirked. "Well..." He began, trying to look for the right answer. "Lucy wanted to bury the hatchet between us. As a sign of this, he gave me his guns... to keep... forever... And left the League to start his career as a sprinter or basketball player, whichever one you guys like more."

"But... Doesn't Lucian play football?" Hero asked before folding his arms and tilting his head.

"Yeah, that. He went to be a professional football player and left the League."

Hero continued to stare at Thresh, the ghost feeling his red eyes pierce his being and prepared to run. "Okay!" Hero nodded with a smile. "If you can use them, you'll be our ADC."

Thresh smiled at Hero. "Thank you. You can count on me." The Warden bowed a little and walked off down the large marble hall of the summoners' section of the IoW. He heard Hero's door close and cackled. "Time to get my shit ready."

XXXX

The Champions for blue team were summoned to the fountain, all a little dizzy from the summoning spell. The team was Garen: The Might of Demacia at the top laner, Lee Sin the Blind Monk as the jungler, Vel'koz the Eye of the Void as the mid laner and Soroka the Star Child as the support. Their ADC, was nowhere to be seen.

"Where the hell is Thresh?!" Garen growled out. "I've already had enough bad matches this week, he better not have pussy out on us." The Demacian jammed his sword into the stone of the summoning circle and folded his arms.

"Maybe he's just late." Soroka suggested nervously. "Let's not count him out just yet." She bought a Doran's ring from the shopkeeper and took a Warding Trinket. "Just be patient." She quickly ran off to her lane before anyone could say a word to her.

Vel'koz rolled his eye and purchased an Amplifying Tome. "We don't have time to chit chat. In my opinion, Soroka can hold her lane just fine until they receive permission to unleash their ultimates." The Void creature gave the two humans a look before waving a tentacle at them as his summoner used Teleport.

Lee Sin felt around for the shop and paid for a Hunter's Machete. "Garen, would you mind helping me to Blue?" The Monk turned to the upset Garen.

Garen sighed and pulled up his sword. "Yeah, sure, whatever." He said with another heavy sigh. He got behind Lee and lead him off into the jungle. How Lee Sin got through most of the shit on the Fields of Justice was behind everyone expect the wisest of Ioanians... And people who asked.

After everyone had left, Thresh teleported in. Though, he wasn't dressed in his usual attire. Instead of his typical black old trench coat with ghostly green trim, he wore a new sleek black one with a shocking green gun shaped designs on both sides. He wore a solid gold chain that spelt 'THRESHPRINCE' around his neck with a pair of black and green headphones where his ears should be, playing 'I Think I Got My Swagga Back!'. A pair of thick sunglasses shielded his eyes and a lit joint hung from his mouth. Lucian's relic pistols were clipped onto his waist where his usual weapon and lanturn would be.

Thresh took the smoke from his mouth and looked at the shopkeeper, the yordle staring slack jawed at him. "What ya looking at? Gimme a fucking Long Sword!" He barked, causing the keeper to stumble and toss the item at Thresh. The Warden caught it and equiped it to his guns. "Later hoe." Thresh rushed to bot lane, giving the distracted shopkeep a view of the giant middle finger logo on Thresh's back that said Fuck you.

XXXX

Ashe scouted the enemy turrent from the nearest bush, Sona close behind. The Frost Archer's eyes fell upon the lone Star Child standing there as the minions fought and clashed away at each other, not even bothering to kill a few and get the gold.

Ashe felt a tug on the back of her hood and turned to Sona, the blunette pointing to the minions and indicating the loss of gold and exp the ADC was missing. "Right, I should start farming." Ashe nodded and got up from her hidding spot. Both her and Sona back up and went to the center of the crowd , with Ashe starting to farm while Sona weakened the creeps.

"The prince is here, bitches!"

Everyone turned towards the river to see Thresh sprinting towards the frey, the pistols he wielded held high. He shot at Ash, the latter barely dodging.

"Holy shit!" The Archer swore as she rolled out of the way of another shot from The Warden. She raised her True Ice Bow and fired an arrow at the charging skector. The attack slowed Thresh some with Ashe continuing to fire more.

Thresh felt the frost from the arrows taking effect on his body, him groaning at his slowing speed. Ashe began firing faster and faster, to the point five arrows struck Thresh at once. He holstered the right pistol as he struggled forward. He reached under his coat and pulled out his hiden Chain Scythe.

"Think you can stop me, do ya ice-bitch #1?" He spun the hook-like weapon in his hand and launched it forward at the unsuspecting Ashe. It wrapped itself around her, causing her to drop her bow.

Thresh grinned and sent himself flying towards the disabled Ashe. He landed and pinned The Archer to the ground. He pointed the pistol he had to her chest and pulled the trigger. The bolt burned her skin through her clothes as she screamed.

Thresh repeatedly pulled the trigger with Ashe fighting under him. He removed his scythe and sliced her throat open, causing the mysterous voice to announce she had died.

Thresh's gaze slowly went up to the Maiden of the Stings, who stared down at her dead carry. Oh, she was never gonna hear the end of this. She looked at Thresh with wide eyes, a look that made him grin. He mouthed "You're next" making Sona back away slightly before running back to her turrent.

Thresh got up and let a roar of laughter. "I want that booda!" He fired his scythe again and it coiled around the retreating Sona's arm. "Come to Eren!" He yelled as he launched his body towards the silently screaming Sona.

Double Kill!

Garen looked down the river towards bot lane. "So, he did show up..." He muttered quietly to himself. He turned back to see Rammus doing a poor job of last hitting and swearing everytime he messed up. "Hopefully he doesn't feed." He sighed and killed a minion as it was about to die.

Meanwhile in mid, Vel'koz had his hands full dealing with Brand.

The two had exchanged blows with each dodging the other's combos. Vel'koz sent an orb of void energy flying at Brand.

"Fireball!" Brand put his hands together at his side and thrusted outwards in front of him, producing a ball of fire to cancel Vel'koz's attack. "Erupt!" He called out as he placed his hands on the ground. Vel was suddenly in the middle of a molten circle as fire shoot up and burned the void spawn.

Vel'koz felt dizzy from the intense heat, his whole body literally on fire as he baked away in his flesh. He flashed his tendril in the direction of the pyromancer and created a rifted in the ground filled with void energy. Brand was caught off guard and was dealt the full damage of both of the spell's phases.

Seeing an opportunity, Vel'koz made void energy erupt from the ground under Brand's feet and fired a second bolt of energy. The attacks knocked the living inferno back some, sending him to his knees.

The Eye of the Void charged a ball of energy to finish him off. From riverside, a bolt of pure white energy came flying and pierced the skull of Brand. Motlen blood poured from the side of his face as he collapsed to his left.

Killing Spree

Vel'koz saw Thresh strolling over to Brand's lifeless body. The joint he previously had been smoking reached its bud and the skector tossed it over his shoulder and ulled out a new one. He bent over and dipped it in Brand's blood, it catching soon. He put the new one in his mouth.

"S'up?" The Warden asked with a grin. Vel'koz noticed the green fire that usual was Thresh's head was replaced with weed colored smoke.

The void spawn blinked his eye a few times. Thresh shrugged and strolled back to his lane, probably to rape Ashe and Sona after killing them again. "My kill..." Vel'koz finally spoke, a touch depressed. He sighed and went to farming his lane while waiting for his opponent to return.

The match went on as crazy as this. After taking two turrents in bot and using Ashe and Sona's bodies for sex toys, the Frost Archer had enough when she respawned with a mouth full of Thresh's ghost spunk and left to help top. Sona attempted to fight off the high Thresh but only got fucked worse without the help of Ashe. She finally gave up and stayed at fountain to cry. Thresh continued to roam and steal kills.

After 20 painful minutes for both teams, purple team finally surrendered.

Everyone was teleported back to the dark Summoning Chambers with a look of pure hatred at Thresh, who grinned from ear-to-ear.  
"You bitches just jelly cause I'm sexy." Thresh said with a smirk. Everyone left him to his gloating. As he was about to exit through the door, it opened revealing three summoners.

They walked in and behind them were Vayne and Lucian, both glaring daggers at Thresh. "Uh-oh..."

The summoner in the middle walked up and looked at Thresh. "You do realize how much trouble you're in, right?" He spoke from under his robe.

"B-b-but how did you find him...?" Thresh stuttered out as the other summoners grabbed his arms and held them behind him.

"You hid him in my room, dumbass." Vayne growled out. She folded her arms and continued to glare at him.

"That was the point!" Thresh exclaimed. "No one goes in there because of the shitty scent that comes from your-" Lucian's fist connected with his face, causing him to shut up.

Lucian ripped his guns from Thresh's belt and left the chamber, Vayne following behind. The Warden turned to the main summoner who shook his head.

-10 minutes later-

Thresh was chained to the wall of the league's dungeons, being punished for stealing. He would be there for a whole month with any form of entertainment.

"Let it be written!" Thresh exclaimed in an attempt for someone to hear. "This is the first time a white is arrested for stealing from a black man!" He rattled his chains as he fought to break them.

XXXX

 **Hero: That was... Poorly written. *fixes glasses* Sorry if it sucked.** ****

 ***An anthro Mightyena drops into the shot on her feet*** ****

 **Freya: Could be worse. *she points out* It could be My Immortal bad.** ****

 **Hero: True. *I take a sip from my cup of coffee* Anyway, you guys request a champion you want to see in the next chapter. I'll try to make it as stupid as I can.** ****

 **Freya: Pray it's better then this chapter.** ****

 **Live, Love, Learn. Light's out.**


	2. Chapter 2: GET DUNKED!

**Juggernog:** _Darius, GET DUNKED!_ ~ 

Irelia was in top lane, alone. Her lane opponent was nowhere to be seen. The minions had spawned a minute ago and had more then reached lane. Another minute of farming and still no Darius.

' _Maybe his Summoner just left the game..._ ' She thought. When the match hit the five minute mark, she official choose that as the reason. Only if she knew that Galio had broken into the Rift, just to help pull off Darius' epic plan.

Meanwhile, in the air above Summoner's Rift...

"Dunk-diggy-duh-unk, dunk-diggy-duh-unk, dunk-diggy-duh-unk, dunka- di-duuuunnk." The Dunkmaster Darius sung as Galio carried him high above the clouds.

"Darius, we've reached the drop off point." Galio told him. Darius spread his arms out, his basketball of death and ass-destruction at the ready. "Prepare to dunk."

Darius spotted the tiny speck that was Irelia, a wicked smile forming on his lips. "Drop me." Galio nodded and released The Hand of Noxus.

Darius had his limbs spawled out in the sky as he picked up more and more speed. "Dunk-diggy-duh-unk, dunk-diggy-duh-unk, dunk-diggy-duh-unk, dunk-a-dunka!" The form of Irelia came into focus more. He would land in less than 30 seconds. Darius prepared his ball in both hands as he positioned himself to dunk Irelia. In a crouching pose, Darius held the ball over his head.

"Dunk-dai-dunk, dunk-dai-duh. Dunk-dai-dunk, dunk-dai-duh..." Irelia noticed the shadow under her feet that didn't belong to her steadily growing larger. The singing of The Dunk song caught her ears and she looked up into the sky. Her eyes dilated when she saw Darius plummeting towards her.

"Dunka-dai-dunk, DUNKA DUNKA DAI DUUUUUUHH!" Darius' groin was the first to meet with her face.

An enormous mushroom cloud appeared from top lane, sending massive shockwaves and ripples of the explosion throughout the Rift, the effect immediately blasting Galio with heat not even Brand could produce and turning the winged beast into ash.

Yasuo was coming from the bush to bot lane after stealing the enemy's jungle monsters. He spotted Syndra throw minions at the tower and was about to dash to her when he saw the shockwave from top head towards them, causing his eyes to widen.

"Holy-fucking-shit!" He exclaimed, gaining the attention of the female mage. Yasuo turned the other direction and ran for his life. Syndra finally heard the wave of destruction and looked at it. She screamed as the wave stripped her of her clothes and consumed her in its wake.

Both Warwick and Rengar were dueling each other in the river until Yasuo ran by, screaming like an itty-bitty-titty baby. In the distraction, Rengar pinned Warwick to the ground and placed his blade to the Bloodhunter's neck.

The Pride Stalker grinned from ear to ear at his victim. The two, with their super heighten hearing finally clear from each other's roars, heard the blast coming their way. They watched in paralyzed fear as it sped towards them.

Warwick made a whimpering sound and Rengar meowed in a high pitched voice.

Graves was bot with Twitch. Twitch had finally gotten a deal on cigars and brought them just for Malcolm. They didn't really care about the match. Hell, even Alistar and Leona had just opted to ignore everything and play cards in the middle of the lane.

Graves was handed the small case and flipped it open. The cigars were all neatly packed, their scent already driving the man insane. He picked one up and placed it in his mouth. Damn, it felt good.

Malcolm was handed a green lighter by the Plague rat which caused him to smile. He raised it up to his cigar, ready to light it until he heard a scream. Everyone looked as Yasuo appeared on the scene, his pants soaking wet from something. Seeing as he came from river side, they thought it was just water. How wrong they were.

Yasuo bolted passed the two AD carries and tripped over Destiny, Graves having rested it... excuse me, her down a few paces away. He was sent tumbling forward and landed flat on his face.

Everybody stared at him, wondering what could have spooked him that much. When they heard the rumbling behind them, they looked back to see the shockwave.

Graves' jaw dropped, his cigar falling out of his mouth and landing on the dirt ground. Alistar followed the unconscious Unforgiven's footsteps and bolted for the wall bordering SR in. He leapt over it and disappeared. Leona started to pray and Twitch shat himself.

The entire Rift was devoured by Darius' uber dunk, flattening it to nothing but rubble.

...

 **OMNI-KILL!**

Currently, a young male Summoner was being hauled off to the Tribunal through the dimly lit massive, blue halls of the League. The 16 year old had short black hair, shaggy and in a mess, dull green eyes and dark skin. He was a little on the thin side, but it was barely noticeable. His long blue robe was unbuttoned and revealed his grey shirt with a Pokeball and blue jeans.

The high ranking Summoners dragging him arrived at a giant pair of brown doors. They opened it up and proceeded onward with him. Inside the round room were stands carved into the dark stone walls that lead to the high council in the center. The teen gulped as the three Summoners of incredible power grew near.

Beside the three cloaked Summoners was Kalye, standing at attention with her sword in front of her, her hands on its hilt. The teen was placed 10 feet steps away from them, not an inch more or not an inch less. The head Summoner looked up, his eyes glowing blue under his hood.

"Bobby Patterson," The old, rugged voice came from the older Summoner. "Also known as lulunight172."

The teen nodded his name and stared at him with a blank look. "You're being charged for the destruction of Summoner's Rift, and the hospitalization of 11 League Champions. Under your supervision, Darius destroyed the Rift in a matter of seconds. This is punishable by execution."

Draven, who was in the crowd, jumped up. "Yes!" He exclaimed with his hands in the air.

"But seeing as you're underage for such punishment, you'll be banned from using any form of magic for 40 days."

"Fuck!" Draven yelled. He sat back down and folded his arms. "Draven no likey no murder."

"Is that understood, Mr. Patterson?" The younger Summoner reluctantly nodded. "Kayle." The Judicator took the teen out of the court. "Bring in Thresh."

They dragged in a kicking and screaming Chain Warden, his arms wrapped around a massive bunch of bananas. The Head Summoner sighed and rubbed his face. "Thresh, return the fruits to Wukong."

"Fuck that monkey! I wanna banana!" The ghost yelled. The men holding him tried to wrench the specter off of the fruit, only to get bitten as they came close.

"Oh God, kill me now..." The supreme mage banged his head on the desk.

XXX

 **O-kay, I know this chapter was short, but it was the best I could do in Hero's absence. I think I should of taken one of the Pokemon fics instead of this because I know 92% of everything in League and** _ **that**_ **is not enough. I hope you like the first Juggernog chapter. Peace kiddies.**

 **Guilty is the Crown. Light Inc cutting through in style.**


	3. Chapter 3: Job for a criminal

_Chapter 3: A job for a Criminal_

Shen dashed through The Hand of Noxus before calling his spirit sword to him. The blade sliced a kink in the armor and left a nice opening in the right side of the Noxian's body. Darius groaned and pressed his free hand on the wound. With his axe still held firm, he swung it around in an attempt to cut the Eye of Twilight in half.

The shinobi backflipped out of the way. "Sleep." Was the only word that left the masked man's mouth before his sword cut Darius' throat. Shen turned his back to him as he heard the body drop to the grey stones with a heavy " _Clank_ ". He didn't bother helping his teammates destroy the Nexus.

Shen just walked down mid lane, too bored to ask his Summoner for a recall. When he stepped over the ruins of the inner turret, the sound of a explosion and the resulting red shockwave that passed through the map signaled the end of the game.

The revoking spell took place during his trek, continuing his walk as he arrived in the summoning chamber. Shen ignored the Summoners congratulating him. Shen ignored the other Champions telling him it was a fine match. Shen ignored everything around him until he realized he had left the Institute and was roaming the Key City in different clothes.

In place of his usual gi, he wore a baggy purple jacket zipped up to the collar that revealed the neck of a pale blue t-shirt and blue jeans. His ionian ninja boots were replaced with a pair of dark purple and white sneakers. The only thing that remained of his original mask was the lower mouth that covered up to his nose, his eyes were barely visible through his gold tinted shades. His medium length dark hair was hidden under a purple and white cap and the jacket's hood.

It wasn't what he was grown to wear, but it felt a second skin to him.

Before he knew it, he had arrived in front of a large building in the darker part of the city. Shen could care less for ratty sidewalks and the cracked and potholed streets the same way he didn't care for the filthy criminals that were there.

The building itself was four or five stories high, made from dark stone that only darkened with age. A set of massive black double doors assisted in blocking off a majority of the music, drunk yelling and cheering that came from inside. A pink neon sign of a woman 'dancing' around a pole hung above the entrance, reading ' _Yori's Girls'_ in italicized letters.

Shen didn't think twice, he stepped forward, pushing the doors open and strolled right in. His senses were immediately hit by three things: The sound of tens of drunken men screaming, the sight of half-naked women dancing on poles and serving men, and the disgusting scent of shame and self-pity.

Just an average night.

The Eye of Twilight stuffed his hands in his jacket's pockets and started to walk through the strip club. It felt like he was invisible to them, no one paid him the slightest of mind. The girls that were serving drinks walked around him, but that was it.

The VIP area was right in front of him, dimly lit with pink lights weakly shining over their other booth. Five or so men would be one booth with their hands all over the bodies of the unlucky girl(s) that had the misfortune of working in this area, it was rare to spot a worker with only one man or multiple women to a single man, that was for the _real_ heavy spenders. And above all of this, in his own massive booth lit purple and a woman on her hands and knees in front of his crotch, was the 'man' Shen came for.

The jackal headed Ascended being gave the assassin a sly smile as he brought his cigar to his mouth, taking a deep drag. Just like Shen, he wasn't in his regular clothes either. Though to the human purple pants, expansive dress shoes, a large purple robe/coat and a matching feathered fedora didn't count as a proper outfit.

The Ascended being removed his cigar before saying "Look who's back again." His deep voice boom as he laughed.

Shen made his way up to the steps that led to Nasus' section. "When you're bored, you'll do a lot of things you'll regret." He told him as he reached the Curator's level. Through the music, Shen heard a muffled sucking sound, and didn't need to look down at the black haired woman to know that she was 'servicing' him.

"You say that, yet you can be doing a million different things with your time." Nasus pointed out. He gestured Shen to take a seat in the armchair to his right, an offer the human accepted. "Like maintaining the balance your father taught you of."

"I am maintaining balance. My inner balance needs some better tuning." Shen turned to see another woman walk up to him with a tray of martinis. He took one and stared down at the drink, asking "And shouldn't you be watching over Shurima or something?"

Nasus scoffed. "Shurima and the people that live there are strong enough to defend themselves. They don't need a dirt old babysitter."

"So does the balance with a 26 year old." They sat in silence. Nasus smoked his cigar and Shen stared at him. "You have any jobs for me or not?"

"Course. That's always work for the will-" Nasus held up his hand as he paused, his face briefly tightening. The girl's head moved back some as she gagged. Shen's eyes narrowed as he realized Nasus just emptied a load into his worker's throat. "As I was saying, I have a job for you." The Curator resumed as if nothing happened.

"Someone has been skipping their payments to me for a few months, and I think they need someone to remind them just who they're dealing with." The jackal explained as he flicked the bud of cigar away. "I'm sure you're not useless enough to fail such a simple request."

"Sounds easy enough. Who are you sending me to?"

"Don Calypso." Shen raised a brow.

"You're sending me to Eddie Calypso for money?" The assassin scoffed. "You must be paying a real shit load if I'm to go deal with the maffia."

"46k." Nasus said. "I don't want you to give _too_ many ideas with more money. You'll strain that tiny brain of yours."

Shen stared at him. "Nasus. They say you are what you eat." The ninja stated firmly. "And you show that you're a real pussy to send me to the mob for only forty-six grand."

"So what are you Shen?" Nasus asked in a child-like innocent tone. "A cock, an ass, or shit?"

Once again, silence. "Fifty and I'll do it." Shen told him.

"Whatever makes you sleep better. Not like I use money other then to you pay low-lives and my girls." Nasus threw his hands behind the couch. "Get your shit together and get out. I don't want people to see Purple Dragon members in here. Makes them think I pick sides." Said one of the leaders of the gang himself.

Shen rested his glass down on the arm of the chair before getting up to leave. When he got to the steps Nasus called him. "Shen," the man turned to his employer. "Don't get killed. If you do, don't expect me not to fuck Akali in the ass until she spits cum." Shen left as Nasus broke out into a booming laugh.

 _ **~At the House of Calypso~**_

Shen walked along side of the harbor, his eyes tracing over the midnight colored waves as they flung themselves on and off of the docked ships and boats. The smell of salt on the air comforted him in a way he couldn't perceive, and the sound of the water moving back and forth relaxed to a state he thought was lost to him. He always wanted a house by the sea, though living there often would have more cons then pros.

' _Enough Shen. We have a task to complete. No time for daydreams._ ' He sighed and forced himself to take his eyes off of the ocean. The weight of his backpack, its contents being two steel baseball bats that stuck out and a dozen bricks of C4, and the Desert Eagle in the back of his pants can off seemed to double. The thought of him somehow dying came back to tug at his conscience.

He found excitement in these things normally, but he felt so tired now. The act of getting dressed alone was a burden, matches in IOW were hell, and the stress of a non-existent relationship was tearing at him. All that was left was for someone to shoot him in the head, and that might happen tonight, without the magic of the Summoners to bring him back.

Shen stepped up the flight of steps that seemed to come out of nowhere. A lack of light hid the cracks and breaks in them as well as the building. The building itself was a three story ' _house_ ' with an old italian design to it. Two large men in suits stood on either side of the red door on the final step. Two of the dozen windows that were present had light in them, one at very top of the third floor and the one closest to the door in front of him.

As his shoe met the final step, one man step up to him and firmly kept him from moving forward. "Do you have an appointment?" He asked blandly.

Shen met his gaze. "My boss sent me to the don. He's behind on payment." The ninja shrugged free of the first man's hold and walked towards the door, only to be stopped by the second.

"You don't have an appointment. Get lost." The large man nodded back in the direction of the steps. Shen removed his hand from him and reached for the door's handle. "Hey! I said-"

Shen wrenched free a steel bat with his free hand, giving it a quick twirl before slamming its head into the man's gut. The guard doubled over with a loud pained gasp. Shen swung the bat into the side of his face, sending him far forward and tumbling down the steps.

The first man started to retaliate but stopped at the feeling of cold iron below his chin. He was barely able to look down at Shen's gold tinted eyes before the sound of the gun's hammer beating out a bullet.

Shen stepped back as the body came down on the pavement, the top of the corpse's head turning into a large hole that poured blood. The purple clad man looked down at his bat to see blood where it connected with the second grunt's face. He shrugged and looked back to the door. Shen gave it a hard kick inwards, breaking it off its hinges and sending it to the black marble tiled floor.

Inside was much better looking than the exterior would have let on, being twice as large as Shen originally thought, earning a stretched out whistle. He was currently in the lobby of a mansion, the walls, chandelier- everything- was a pearl white with little black and gold trimmings here and there. Pictures of previous heads lined the wall, as well as statues and vases.

The ninja walked forward, stepping across the door and hopping off. The arched stairway leading to two branching paths was ahead of him. Of course, he couldn't set foot on them without trouble.

Upon reaching the middle of the room a stream of black suited men armed with heavy rifles rushed down either side of the stairs before flooding the floor. Shen had simply held his place as the mafia grunts surrounded him. A second wave came out and held their ground on the stairs, guns aimed down at the purple man.

"Are you the welcome party?" The Eye of Twilight asked innocently, tilting his head to one side. "I never expected I'd be this important." He spoke in a flattered tone.

They were silent for what seemed to be an eternity. "Shoot him." One man said. Every grunt surrounding him unleashed a torrent of firing lead from their guns. Shen was riddled with bullets from all directions, his body bouncing and spazzing all over as his clothes turned to tatters and his flesh was cut through.

Soon, the guns stopped one by one, leaving the wobbly mince that was now Shen to be pulled down by gravity. Blood seemed to be freely flowing out of him with no trace of ever stopping. The men lowered their weapons, all looking at the 'Person' that entered the house. "Was this really what we were called to do?" One asked the man next to him.

"Yeah, I know. I thought boss said he'd be trouble." The second one replied.

They were all silent.

' **YOU GOT THE MOTHERFUCKING RIGHT TO REMAIN VIOLENT!** '

The unfortunate grunt who spun around at the sound of the song was greeted with steel to his jaw. The bone made a loud _crack_ as the man received a second strike from above. His head slammed into the floor, leaking a red and pink mixture.

"Holy shit!"

"Jesus-fucking-Christ! Grag!"

"Oh God, no!"

"I'm so fucking high right now!"

Where the exclaims as the crowd scattered and aimed to fire at the bat-wielding shinobi. They would have...

If the magazines weren't already spent.

' **I've got my gun, I think I'll kill everyone.** '

"My turn." Shen said simply. He dashed to the nearest grunt, his bats primed and ready. The larger male had hardly enough time to properly react. Steel met with the bone of his inner left knee, forcing it into an awkward position outwards. The man screamed at top of his lungs, Shen pulled out his pistol and the sound of a bullet forced out of its chamber silenced the mobster.

His bat blocked a rifle-strike from behind and he pointed the gun over his shoulder as he fired into the face of his attacker. Shen pivot turned and hid behind the falling corpse as a chorus of bullets found their way into its flesh. Someone charged Shen's flank and he spun back to the front to kick the body into him. The grunt was thrown off balance and he struggled with the weight of the body in his hands. Shen sprinted shortly before he leaped into the air to kick at the man's head, successfully nailing under his chin. The crack signaling he had broke the neck.

Someone grabbed him from behind, locking his arms by his side in a solid vice and his weapons fell to the floor. Another barreled towards them with his gun held above his head and a primal shout, as if to emulate a barbarian. The Eye of Twilight's leg flied backwards into the crotch of his captor. A silent scream was all that could leave his throat as his knees buckled and hands went down to nurse his wounded pride.

Shen rolled out the way just in time for the other grunt to smash the weapon into the head of his crippled ally, most likely finishing him off. Shen deliver a lighting quick chop to the throat before following up with a light barrage of punches going from the face to the chest ending in a roundhouse kick to the jaw, sounding the man spinning to the right and collapsing.

A surge of energy filled Shen and he bolted to his left as the spot he occupied a millisecond earlier was carved out of existence. He looked back to the stairway to see the grunts they're still out of harm's way enough to properly reload. ' _I'm gonna have to do something about them._ ' He thought. His gaze snapped in front of him and he sidestepped a kick aimed at his lowered form. The assassin sweeped his assailants remaining leg from under him. Standing to full height, Shen swung his foot upwards and sent it back down, all the weight focused into his heel crashing into the downed man's face. When he stopped moving, that was Shen's que to start his attack.

He rounded the thinning crowd of grunts, making sure not to give those with guns a clear target, and retrieved his discarded bats and gun. Once again, he found himself in the sights of multiple grunts. As they fired Shen allowed a brick of C4 to slip from his bag, disappearing in a flash of purple light shortly after.

That moment everyone was alert.

The same purple essences appeared behind one of the grunts on the left flight of steps. Shen had reappeared, sticking a second brick of C4 onto the wall, silently humming to himself. He teleported to the other side with the detonator while everybody continued to search for him, oblivious to the fact he was behind them.

He waited a few seconds to see if any would find them, and he wasn't quite surprised when a grunt back on the left side noticed him. All eyes floated to the Eye of Twilight and he wiggled the remote in his hand. Guns were funneled onto him and he pressed the button, making a " _Boop"_ noise with his mouth.

The ninja once again teleport, just as the plastic explosives went off. The lobby was engulfed by flames, those closest to the devices were minced from the shear force while the others were severely roasted. Those who had miraculously survived, crisped and burnt, the initial blast were instantly treated to the encore of burning debris from all over embedding itself into their flesh. The chandelier shivered from its chain by the massive shockwave that rocked the building to its core, and sending fragments of the beautiful display across the area as it was brought down by gravity.

When Shen landed in the hall they had arrived from, the floor still shook from the blast. He lost his balance for a few seconds but had regained it and supported himself on a wall. He turned around to see the damage he had caused, only to be greeted with the blazing inferno gates that led to Hell blooming ever brightly.

"Holy shit..." Shen had frozen in place by a sudden realization of the situation he had placed himself in. "I didn't turn off my oven!" His hands gripped his head in pure panic. "The League will fucking dock my paycheck for this shit!"

 ** _~* At The Place That Supplies Gas *~_**

The owners of the company sat around a table, staring into blank space. "Marcus." The CEO called to his advisor or whatever.

"Y-yes sir?" The little nerd replied fearfully.

"We should raise our prices." Another answered.

"Yes. Tell the public the dinosaur gunk we say we make this stuff out of is getting harder to find." The only woman in the room said as she sat back with her arms under her tits.

"Y-yes ma'am." The little nerd ran out of the room.

"Now, let 's have a huge money bath and laugh at the poor people who pay us thousands. We will tell the electric company to do the same. You know, when they stop being so educational on PBS." The first man said. They all broke out into a fit of maniacal laughter as money rained down from the ceiling because as we all know, this is all that goes on at these things while they send bills that people just paid, claiming they didn't pay even after I- people, show them the fucking receipt.

 ** _~* Back with the Ninja guy and stuff *~_**

Shen wasted no time in kicking the door of the Don's office off its hinges. Typical mob boss office- low light, stocked book shelves, two large leather chairs in front of a massive and overly expanse desk while an even bigger one sat behind it. He gave it credit for being much larger then what was portrayed in movies, with a large walk-in closet built into the room and a bathroom. The wall behind his desk was made from glass with a sliding door that lead to a balcony overlooking the ocean.

He gingery stepped into the room, sorry scanning for a sign that the Don was still here. The ninja spun the first two chairs around with his foot. No sign anyone was sitting there and after checking the other, it was clear too. He slowly stepped over to the closet. After a brief mental countdown he threw open the doors and raised his gun.

Nothing.

Suddenly, he heard the toilet being flushed. Guess he knew where to look. Much less gently went over to the door. "Get the fuck outta there before I decide to put holes you." Shen grunted as he banged on the door. "I'll give you til the count of three." He grabbed hold of the doorknob and started. "Three," He straighten his shoulders. "Two," He ready his Desert Eagle as he flung open the bathroom door. Shen blinked when you found the small room empty.

"One," He spun around just in time to get struck across the face by a lead pipe. Shen stumbled to the glass wall. The Eye of Twilight barely managed to catch himself on the glass. He felt the world shake, his vision switching to the blurry figure in a blue suit steadily creeping up on him though was blocked when his hat fell off of his head. "Was expecting me to just roll over and give up to Nasus's little cunt?"

Shen tried to get up but a second strike put him back onto his hands and knees. "Nah-ah-ah, punk." The man pressed a large shoe on the back of his head. "So, you think you can come into _my_ house," He punctuated his speech with a kick. "Kill _my_ boys," Another kick. "And plan to off _ME_?!" The ninja was sure he felt something break inside him.

Eddie took a step back to take a look at his work. Once he got a glance at the coughing mess in front of him, he squinted before dropping to his knees. He yanked Shen's head up by the hair and took a long look at the blooded man's face. "... You're a Champion, aren't you...?"

The Mob Boss slammed the assassin's head into the floor. He bolted up, letting out a chorus of laughter. "My God, I'm kicking the shit out of a League Champion!" As if to test it, he kicked the slowly recovering Shen. "What, Zed didn't want ya sucking his chops so you went to be fucked in the ass by Nasus?" Eddie pushed Shen's face towards him. "Ain't you suppose to be a tank? How come you bleeding like a bitch on my floor now?"

Shen only responded with a few unintelligible gurbles. Eddie panted, tugging at the collar of his shirt. "Shit, why's it so hot in here...?" The room started to fill with the sound of cackling and a warm glow. He turned around to see the entrance of the room start to burn. "What the shit?!" He yelled.

"Made ya look." Before Eddie had the chance to turn around, the sound of thunder echoed through the room. He was brought to the ground as a searing pain spread through his left knee. He grunted before looking back up at beaten Shen, though bloody, appearing to be perfectly fine. "Well, looks like my job's done." Shen was about to teleport out, but remembered he only crippled one leg. "Oh yeah..." He raised his D. Eagle before shooting Eddie in the right shoulder and uninjured knee, earning a louder scream. "Laters."

"Wait! Don't go-" Shen was covered in a swirling pillar of light.

 ** _~Back at Yori's~_**

Nasus was laughing his ass off at the man in front of him. "Oh, oh dear god, my sides!" He pointed at the fucked up appearance of Shen. "You look like shit!" He boomed.

A woman walked up to the bloody man, holding a silver briefcase. "Here you go sure." Shen nodded and accepted the case as he started to leave.

"Shen, if you come in here lookin like that again I'll pay double! Ah-hahaha!"

One thought ran through Shen's mind. ' _Just as bad as Thresh._ ' He shook his head as he left the club.


	4. Chapter 4: Just A Note

_***Author's Note***_

The camera turns on suddenly showing an exhausted Hero, hair drastically cut down and shaven at the sides. On his desk to the right lays abandoned and emptied bottles of Smirnoff of varying flavors, the majority being green apple and citrus. He pulls a new bottle from his side and kicks the chair into a spin before settling back to face the viewing end. The white haired man took a quick swig before slamming the bottle down. "Morning/Afternoon/Whatever-the-hell to you all, students." He gestures to the bottle. "Yeah, I've been a bit… out of my space for the last couple of months."

"Point of this Omake isn't me telling you about my problems and bitching about my life, I do that enough with the few people that message me. Point is, I'm trying to notify that I'll return to uploading soon enough." He gives a half-hearted cheer. Hero pours more liquor down his gullet, capping the half empty bottle and placing in his drawer. "I want your opinion on which to update next."

"There isn't much there else I can add to the clear message above. I've always relayed on feedback as a writer to continue writing. Seeing reviews, getting PMs, etc. naturally tells me that people are reading and/or are interested in the story. When I don't get any for three chapters straight, I think "Well, the story's not getting anything. Maybe I'm doing something wrong." So, the first thought is to revisit the previous chapters and fix them while making newer chapters that are better. That doesn't mean I don't want to hear I'm fucking up. Reviews are generally there for you to give your thoughts and opinions on a story and a chapter."

Hero starts to mumble and reach for the Smirnoff. He stops and stares at it before putting his hand back down. "I just want to hear your thoughts. I'm in the middle of rewriting a bunch of my stories at the moment as well as working on some ideas for original works and Phairy Tales. The next story to be update is the one that receives the most reviews for this note. Bet I don't get any."

Hero runs a hand over his head, combing through the shorted hair on the top. "Fucking Ez…" He sighs. "Always take care. I'm gonna go bawl in a corner about my daughter not visiting me for my birthday."

 _ **Guilty is the Crown. Light's out.**_


End file.
